"I'm a war of head versus heart..."

"and it's always this way.

My head is weak, my heart always speaks

before I know what it will say."

I have made the decision to be absent from Blogger for a while. I won't be blogging, and I won't be reading blogs. I might be away for a month or two, or maybe even longer. All I know is that right now, I want to focus on reading more books (instead of blogs). I want to write in a journal and fill pages with personal words straight from my heart. I don't want to feel like I have to censor the things I need to say. I want to spend more time with my friends and family and put all of my heart into them, and strengthen my relationships that need some work. I'll do whatever it takes to be the best sister/friend/niece/aunt/granddaughter/girlfriend that I can be. I want to be inspired by myself and figure out exactly who I am. I don't want to read things on the internet that make me shake my head or feel put down. My heart is too heavy lately, the days go by too fast, and my mind doesn't want to stop racing.

I don't have the time or energy anymore to put effort into the world of blogging. I really do love it, and I know I'll be back one day. I'm going to miss reading my favorite blogs and keeping up with the lives of my cyber friends. I'll still be instagramming on the daily so you can find me there (@jamieurlacher)! If you want to keep in touch, I would love to e-mail back and forth (atthisvolumeee@gmail.com), or we can be pen pals! <3

This isn't goodbye, it's just see you later....

 



With the birds.

Now I can be reminded every time I peek over my shoulder that I am as free as I want to be. Bad things from my past can't hold me back, and there is nowhere to go but up. I'll fly away with the birds...because I can. <3

My boyfriend's uncle designed and tattooed it on New Year's Eve. It's almost completely healed now, so I'll be sharing more pictures! This was my first tattoo and I'm so happy that I did it.<3<3

The start of something good.

Okayyyy! I can't leave you wondering any longer!

Christmas at my parents house (for the first time in 6 years!!!) went sooooo SO well!

Like I said before, my mom went crazy (I'll explain one day, promise) when I was 17 and it split my family apart. Because of the severity of the situation, I was unable to see my little brother and sister. I can count the number of times I've seen them since April 12, 2005 on two hands. =[

My family has been praying over this situation since it began, and I can honestly say that the change that is happening in my mom right now is coming straight from God. There is no other explanation. He is currently working a miracle, I think, and I am over the moon about it!

I got to hold hands with my little brother and kiss those cute cheeks! He's 16 now, which is pretty insane, and has the cutest mustache. =] He has down's syndrome and he never learned how to talk. That doesn't keep us from communicating though! He kept reaching out to me and touching my eyes and mouth, and every time I smooched his face, he'd let out the most adorable little laugh. If things keep going in the direction they are, I'll be back in Jeremy and Angie's lives, and that will be the best thing in the world for all 3 of us. They need me and  I need them. <3<3

That pretty, little girl on the far right is my almost 12 year old sister Angie! What my mom did to us affected her just as badly, if not worse, than it has affected me. She was only 5 years old and she was so, so innocent. What I'm ultimately hoping for is that my mom realizes that she was wrong and apologizes to us both, because we deserve it. I already have forgiven my mom in my heart without an apology, and as long as I am able to have my relationship with Angie and Jeremy back, that will be good enough for me.

December 26th, 2011 might be the final chapter of my story, or it might be the first because this is definitely the start of a new beginning. Sometimes stories are more fun when you get to read the ending first. =]

Anyway, my mom said that I can come back over for Angie's birthday on January 17th!! As long as she doesn't change her mind, everything is golden.

Thank you so much for your thoughts, kind words, and prayers. They all mean so much to me. <3



Update: The Short Version.

Sooooo many things are happening in my life right now and it's impossible to be living it out while writing it all down. I'm sure you understand, right? I haven't been on blogger in what feels like ages. I'm soooo behind on reading all of my favorite blogs and writing on my own. I hope that everyone is doing well, and I can't wait to have a chance to catch up! <3

I need to get this all down on "paper" so I can look back and remember. With the new year comes a new start, new resolutions, and a new perspective. I promise, if you're interested, that I will update in full. Big changes are happening right now and it needs to be documented.

• When I was 17 my mom went crazy (that is the best way I can describe it right now...). She completely abandoned me and wrecked me emotionally. I was forced to move out of the house I grew up in and try to pick up my life and carry on like normal with things turned completely upside down. I was just finishing my junior year of high school.
• Today, 6 1/2 years later, I was openly invited by my mother (for the very first time) to come over and celebrate Christmas with my immediate family again. I haven't had a Christmas at my parents' house since 2004. I'm incredibly anxious, nervous, and a little bit scared. I don't know how to act when I'm there, but with the support my 3 older siblings I'm sure everything will be just fine. My little brother and sister, who are now 11 and 16, have been kept away from me all of this time. While I have been able to see them on a few occasions since, I don't have anywhere near the relationship I wish to have with them. My mom is sick and she needs help, but I'm hoping that this is the first major step in the right direction. I'm so excited to see Angie and Jeremy (and I heard that they are excited to see me too!) =] If you think of me today, send a little prayer my way, please.
• I've always said that I want to one day write a memoir. For now I'm trying to decide if I would just like to use my blog to share my story. It's hard to keep things tucked away so deep inside for so long. I need to talk about it, I need to share it, and hopefully I can get some outsiders perspective on the whole thing...we'll see.
• My new job is amazing. I picked things up pretty quickly and my trainer said she was extremely impressed. I was assisting by myself a week earlier than people usually do. =] Dentistry is so, so complex and there are SO many things to still learn, but I'm very excited about what I can do so far! I'll share the details later. =]
• Christmas is always such a stressful time of year. I usually can't make it through the day without crying. This year was a different story. We had such a Merry Christmas and I'm feeling extra thankful and blessed. <3
• Shae and I celebrate our one year anniversary on the 28th!! I'm so in love with him that sometimes the feeling overwhelms me. I couldn't imagine anyone more perfect for me, and he tells me the same. <3<3

I hope that everyone had a Merry Christmas and that it was everything you could have hoped and dreamed of! 2012 is going to be a great year full of new beginnings! Are you as excited as I am? <3<3

Also.

One of Shae's good friends was in need of a roommate because the one he had randomly moved out. It was perfect timing for Shae to move in with Zach, so he did. Zach and his previous roommate, Michael, had stockings hanging on the wall in the kitchen that were made by Michael's girlfriend. When Michael left, he took his with him, and Zach's was still hanging on the wall. One night, Zach decided to throw his stocking away because he didn't like the girl that made it and he didn't want it anymore. I offered to make new stockings for Zach and Shae...so I did. I finished them tonight!

I decided the theme should be football, since that's all they ever talk about anyway haha. Obviously my Bronco and Dolphin look kind of silly, but I think they turned out okay! =] It was fun to do a little Christmas craft! Here is something else I made recently! I got the idea from one that was in Michael's being sold for $15. I made mine for $2!

Have you been Christmas crafting? 

Super Bass.

I'm a moron with my time. Seriously.

BFF Larissa (full name) introduced me to Karmin quite some time ago, and I've been obsessed with her ever since. If you don't know who Karmin is, go to youtube this instant and listen! She is an incredible cover artist, and I always like her cover more than the original! Lately I've been going crazy over her version of Nicki Minaj's "Super Bass". Every time I listen to it, I can't help but dance, (I can't dance.) and all I want to do is sing along!! So what did I just spend the last hour doing? I played Super Bass over and over and over with the lyrics until I could successfully sing it equally as good as Karmin.. ;) Just watch this video and imagine my face (even though I wish I was 1/5th as pretty as she is!!) and trust that I rap it out just as good. Shae's going to be real impressed with my skills when he gets off work, and probably not very impressed by the fact that this is the most productive thing I've done all day.

A Survey.

I can't remember where I read about this, but someone shared a link recently about the 10 different types of writers block. I'm currently experiencing the type where I have a million things to write about, but can't find the words I want to say! I have SEVEN drafted posts right now. I usually never even have one. Needless to say, I've been insanely busy with my new job and trying to figure out how to still live my life around it. I wake up at 5:30 a.m. when it's still pitch black outside. I leave work to go home at 5:30 p.m. when it's pitch black outside. That gives me 4 hours before I have to go to bed and repeat. I'm not complaining, I just can't find a rhythm...

I'm currently on my 3 day weekend though, and I plan to be as productive as possible and try to knock out a million things. My body is alredy adjusted to waking up at that disgustingly early hour in the morning, so on my day off when all I wanted was to sleep in...of course I was bright eyed this morning at 6:30. (Thanks for giving me at least one extra hour, body.)

Anyway, about my writers block. I'll try to turn those drafts into posts soon, but for now let me just share this survey with you that I found on Caitlin's blog!

1. What's a nickname only your family calls you?
Dolly. When I was born, my mom and dad argued about whether my name should be Jamie Sue or Dolly Sue (truth. haha.) Thankfully my legal name is Jamie, but Dolly has always been my family nickname.

2. What's a weird habit of yours?
I can't fall asleep unless one of my hands is on my hip, even if I'm on my stomach.

3. What's a song you secretly LOVE to blast & belt out when you're alone?
Anything by 3Oh!3!

4. What's one of your biggest pet peeves?
When people put dirty dishes in the sink without rinsing them first. I don't care if it's my sink or your sink, it drives me NUTS! Especially when they're really saucy and would rinse so easily, and leaving them in the sink to get crusty makes washing dishes ten times harder! (I don't have a dishwasher...)

5. What's one of your nervous habits?
Popping every single part of my fingers. I can make all of my fingers pop about 5 different ways.

6. What side of the bed do you sleep on?
Whichever side is farthest away from the door! Right now, it's the right side of my bed.

7. What was your first stuffed animal & it's name?
I had a lot of stuffed animals, but one that really stands out in my mind was my purple Sunny Smiles bear (I usually just called her sunny). She talked and was amazing and I carried her around everywhere with me!

8. What's the drink you ALWAYS order at Starbucks?
My coffee drink of choice is a Caramel Macchiato, but I don't order them often.

9. What's the beauty rule you preach.. but never ACTUALLY practice?
I don't preach beauty rules...I also don't pratice very many...haha.

10. Which way do you face in the shower?
Away from the water, with the exception of when I'm washing my face. I also get into the shower on the water side, which a lot of people think is weird I guess?

11. Do you have any 'weird' body 'skills'?
I can flip my eyelids inside out and would be able to leave them like that for hours if I wanted. I also have major hitch hiker thumbs.

12. What's your favorite 'comfort food'/food thats 'bad' but you love to eat it anyways?
Sweeeeeeets. Give me a tray of fresh baked chocolate chip cookies and I would eat them up at once if I didn't control myself.

13. What's a phrase or exclamation you always say?
Lately I've been saying "holy smokes" about everything. haha.

14. Time to sleep - what are you wearing?
Depends on the season. Lately, it's the warmest, comfiest jammie pants I can find and a tshirt.

Kaelah's Awesome Giveaway!

Kaelah (Little Chief Honeybee [duh]) ;) is giving away an Apple iPad 2! (I'm sure you've all entered already). Wouldn't that be the greatest early Christmas present ever!? Enter here!! She's so generous! I hope I win! =]

Progression.

At the very end of September, my sister taught me how to crochet a Granny Stripe afghan. I blogged about it a little bit and said that my goal was to have it done by the middle of November. Well, happy December everyone! My afghan still isn't finished...

I don't feel bad that I didn't meet my goal because my afghan is over halfway done, and I didn't take into account how busy I would be transitioning from one job to another, plus living my life and working on other crafts. I like to share peeks of what I've been making on Instagram and I thought it would be fun to share those pictures with you!  Here is my progress so far! =]

I love to crochet when I'm watching TV or a movie, or when I'm hanging out with Shae and he's playing video games. I'm looking forward to finishing this project so I can try to teach myself a new design! I hope to learn how to make granny squares and attach them to make a granny square blanket!